God truly does move in mysterious ways. Just a few months ago I began these rambling writings as a means of cathartic expression of my growing frustration and dissatisfaction with what I called my life. Yet in a matter of weeks, my world has changed, my outlook changed, my desires changed, my eyes opened, my heart healed, my mind expanded, and my soul saved.
The more I read back over the past several chapters, the more I realize how close to the edge I was. Sometimes it takes drastic measures to wake us from the unreality of our reality. Our eyes have been blinded to the blessing all around us. Our hearts hardened to the love and joy that encompass us. Our minds distracted from the truth of who we are, what we are, why we are, how we are, and where we are to be. Sometimes we grow so comfortable in the lies and deceit that the world feeds us morning, noon, and night, that we fail to be aware of the reality of our existence. Sometimes it takes an outside party to wake us from this false nightmare of a life we have grown so accustomed to. In the same manner that people who are born and raised within a cult can grow accustomed to lies, deceit, and theft of their worth, character, and humanity, so can we become brainwashed by the lies, deceit, and theft perpetrated on us by our culture, society, media, even friends and family. Likewise, we often need someone outside our circle of experience, to point out the truth of our situation. We are not built for this place, this world, this circumstance, this life. We are truly aliens in a foreign land. My residence in this country does not make it my home. My residence in this life does not make it my home.
Am I now void of the disappointment, confusion, anger, and fear that started me on this journey? Not at all. However they have all been redirected. I’ve learned that this universe, this dimension, this life that we currently occupy is one of balance, of harmony, of equilibrium. Negative emotions, thoughts, feelings, ideas, situations, and circumstances are not bad, but rather simply one side of the equation. They are just as valid, important, necessary, and useful as their positive counterparts. For every up there is a down, for every in there is an out, for every left there is a right, for every plus there is a minus. You can’t have black without white, on without off, song without silence, light without dark, sweet without sour, hard without soft. Until this place is no more, until the rule book is thrown out, until this existence is changed, these truths will continue forward.
Use everything, leave nothing. Rather than feel disappointed at work, at home, outside and inside, I am finding myself disappointed with my inability to balance the equation. For every problem there is a solution. I remain confused by why we allow ourselves to be sold a bill of goods that we don’t want, didn’t order, and then suffer the effects of misplaced loyalty. I will never lose the anger that I feel when I see princes and princesses treated like slaves and objects, sometimes of their own free will. I still fear that if we don’t wake up soon from this illusion, that we’ll become so indoctrinated into its lies and misinformation, that we will find ourselves farther down the wrong path, and so lost that we fail to notice how many are following us in the wrong direction.
Despite what you may believe about yourself or those around you, we are all who we are for a reason. Get out and find your reason for being. Take no hostages, accept no substitutes. Sometimes we are unhappy with our lives, because we’re trying to be something that we are not. Don’t give in to the pressure from all the elements around you to be someone that you are not, but rather embrace the reality and truth of who you are and be proud of who you are, what you are. Whatever you learn about yourself on your journey, don’t discount its significance. Even a negative truth is a truth. Use it to find the positive truth that is longing to balance the problem you face.
I was slowly learning and following a false impression of who I was, and thus becoming less satisfied with the life that I was creating for myself. I was on a goat path to nowhere, and at a fairly significant clip. It took me losing a wife, son, sister, and grandfather in a matter of weeks to gain clarity, truth, patience, and strength. Hopefully your journey won’t require such a high price tag. Learn from my mistakes, take my example, accept yourself, find your place, become the you that you are built to be.
I have been blessed at every turn throughout my journey, in spite of myself. The past few months have been exceptionally transformational for me. More balance than I was ready for. On one side of the equation is the disappointment, confusion, anger, and fear of losing four close family members. On the other is the pride, clarity, joy, and comfort of gaining my truly heaven sent soul mate. Balance has been achieved in my life, for the first time. There is no replacement for the people that I have lost along this journey, nor the roles they played in my life. This is also a blessing. Those roles have been permanently retired. The blessing is in the creation of a completely new and different role into my experience. A role that never existed before, and could not have been written into my story until this very moment. Deanna has become the mother of all plot twists in my tale. Just when you think your story is resolving, is nearing its end, new life is breathed into the old tired story. A complete and miraculous twist of fate. God has a story written for each of us before we ever begin. He knows me so well that He built this most wonderful, beautiful, powerful catalyst of change just for me.
In the process of moving and processing my way through all the stuff that I have accumulated on my journey, I was reminded of a project that I had in school years ago. I found a folded and well aged piece of paper with three lists contained on its college ruled face. The first list was of must have qualities and traits in a woman, needed to get and keep my attention. This was a fairly short list of basics like, don’t lie to me, don’t cheat on me, and don’t cheat on me and then lie to me about it. Second was a list of preferred qualities and traits. This was a fairly longer and more specific list, including superficial items like dark hair coupled with light eyes, along with other less appropriate definitions of the perfect shapes and sizes of certain body parts, of which I’ll omit here. Also were items like 40+ age bracket, shorter height than my own, shared core religious and philosophical beliefs, and the like. Finally a third, more extreme list of traits and qualities. This list was the ‘anything goes’ list. If you could hand sculpt, hand write, the perfect, fantasy woman for yourself, what would it look like, walk like, talk like. This was of course the most specific, and utterly ridiculous list of traits one could imagine and cram into one shell of female perfection. Items on this list include a specific level and type of superhuman intelligence, purity of voice, musical talent to rival my own, way of carrying oneself that makes one envious of the air that envelops the body as it performs each tiny movement, the texture of hair and skin, shape of fingernails and toenails, length of earlobes, unfathomable love and compassion for animals, a precise brand of vocabulary, tough and firm personality, and strength of will and character that surpasses human understanding. There are obviously items on each list that have been omitted from this writing out of respect for the delicate sensibilities of the readers.
I have to admit being a bit taken aback with my blunt and honest depiction of my wildest fantasy girl, come true, listed on this page. I was also shocked to find that these elements had remained intact within me over the years. The more blatant and obviously glaring reality that hit me square between the eyes was the number of girls that I had accompanied over the years that were nowhere near this image of perfection laid before me. Surely this couldn’t be a contributing factor in the overwhelming success of my past relationships to date. Never.
Although I’m still coping with the implications of the gift that so suddenly got laid out beautifully in my lap, it seems that no list is too long, too specific, or too extreme for God. I have come to find in measuring Deanna against this list of qualities and traits that not only does she possess each item from all three levels of female perfection, but has expanded my list beyond what the page can contain to include things I never knew that I wanted, or needed. I am finding that I am capable of unconditional love, and that it comes quite easy. It amazes me what things you can accomplish with the right inspiration and motivation.
Never before has more creativity flowed through me. If you have learned nothing else from reading my ramblings to this point, you understand that logic is my comfort zone, and artistic creativity is not. I am inspired each new day with a song to sing, words to say, actions to take, that are beyond my own ability. God has truly placed this woman in my life for a reason. She inspires me to give things that I don’t have to give, and then God uses me to deliver those things to her despite my own personal inability to do it on my own. In this way, Deanna becomes a blessing as well as being blessed as a byproduct of her inspiration. Who could ask for a more perfect system of being? I know that I never thought such an arrangement was possible, much less probable for someone like me. Her simple existence is an inspiration to me. In turn that inspiration leads me to be more than I can be on my own. Perspectives I have never known are becoming clearer to me with each new day.
I cannot contribute more to this story as my story has become new. This chapter, this book, must close here so that a new story can begin. Change has come to my world, and I plan on sharing that change with the world around me.
By God, through Deanna, I am, and will always be, blessed.