I work for a “Christian” organization and was sent an email from my boss with the subject “Deadline” and it read as follows:
Please e‑mail your 30–60 word paragraph for Michelle’s memory book to Jonathan by Tuesday noon.
I responded in kind:
I was told that I needed to submit a “well wishes” comment for your Memory Book to Jonathan by 12:00 noon today. I have to admit that I’m not exactly sure why I’m supposed to send you my “well wishes” as I was always told that if I spoke of my “well wishes” with anyone, other than the “wish granting troll” at the bottom of said “well,” it would negate the validity of my wishes. That said, it was also the only email that I’ve ever received at work here with the word “Deadline” in it, so I guess I should comply with the request. My “well wishes” are as follows:
- I wish for more wishes, 100 to be exact, and pronto!
- I wish for unlimited funding to keep an ever bleeding edge Linux desktop and server array in my home.
- I wish for the proper land and estate required to fulfill my lifelong dream of raising honey badgers. They’re mean but beautiful.
- I wish for a fleet of biodiesel powered Humvees (including the MUTT, Gama Goat, Ambulance, and CUCV versions) to be fueled and at the ready, 24⁄7.
- I wish for three secret lairs to be built to my specification. One in the base of a volcano, one underwater in the Indian Ocean, and one on the dark side of Earth’s moon.
- I wish for all the people of the world to join hands, in a spirit of harmony and truth, and demand that MacGyver be returned to prime time network television.
- I wish for a Sovereign class starship with a fully vetted crew and fully stocked ordinances to orbit Earth, ready for departure to worlds unknown in the event of WWIII, or Miley Cyrus being given a lifetime achievement award in any category, in any country.
- I wish for the ability to speak the languages of every living thing on the planet. So that I can negotiate a peace treaty among all species, and also so that I can tell off that snotty poodle across the street in her own tongue…she’s always had it out for me.
- I wish for God Almighty to light upon this Earth, solely to appoint me as the world’s One True Technology Czar with the power to start a Technological Inquisition and Crusade, the likes of which have never been seen by human or non-human eyes.
- I wish for Michelle to be allowed to escape the bonds and confines of her current dead-end job, into the unfettered joy and freedom that only the secular workplace can provide.
I was then informed that the Memory Book for Michelle was supposed to be:
about Michelle…not us.
I guess I misunderstood as I:
thought it was to remind Michelle about us, as she probably wouldn’t have a hard time remembering about herself…my bad.
I subsequently submitted the following, at exactly 60 words, nonetheless:
I was told that I needed to submit a 30–60 word “well wishes” comment for your Memory Book to Jonathan by 12:00 noon today. I, as resident cynic and skeptic, hereby wish you well as you throw off the ties that bind, and embark into the unfettered joy and freedom that only the secular workplace can provide.
I guess I keep forgetting that terms like “humor” or “wordplay” or “sarcasm” have no place with terms like “Christian” or “organization” or “University.”
[reprinted as submitted by an unnamed source within an unnamed organization]